procrastination.

The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait on Him

a slew of His miracles that led to uganda I had wrote to p.mike.

First, I am so privileged to call Rocky Peak my home church.  The people God has surrounded me around has been so humbling, and such a blessing.  I know it sounds cliche, but I can really call them family.  Recently I got to experience that when I graduated from UCSB and I looked behind me and saw close to twenty-five people there waving at me and about 7 of them from lifegroup.  Such a moment of gratitude! God has captured our hearts and I feel so fortunate to be allowed to see it and experience it.  

Second, this series you just finished today has transformed me in real ways.  The weekend of 7/11 was where I really was given provision for what He wants from me.  Lets see if I can get this story together enough to make sense to you, I am horrible story teller, lets see if it proves true for this story as well! 

Last time I spoke with you was at Lynn Johnson's Bday party.  I was talking to Neil the night before the sermon P. Dave gave on accepting grace and trying to earn it.  I had shared with you how I struggle with perfection as a root sin and how it tends to be the reason for other areas I struggle with.  Since then, God has been taking a file some days and a chisel other days at this.  I can say it has been rough to really believe God can re-train my mind, but He has... slowly (thank you Jesus bc its HARD).  I even remember reading the Word and specifically feeling Him speak to me in

Lamentations 3:22- 24: Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, For his compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness, I say to myself,

" The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him." 

while reading my Bible in the psalms, psalm 147:10-11

His pleasure is not in the strength of the horse, 

nor his delight in the legs of a man;

the LORD delights in those who fear him, 

who put their hope in his unfailing love.

That one might sound unlikely, but I felt Him talk to me.  He is answering my prayers, slowly and gently.  

Ok, so fast forward, I graduate and now I say, NOW WHAT?  I am restless, and then I hear your sermon "Waiting on the Lord". that sermon was so AWESOME.  Timing was absolutely perfect.  Gosh lately, thats the story too, Im walking out saying, gosh He gave another sermon just for me.  And every Sunday I walk in saying I would love to hear from you profoundly, but its ok if not, I don't need that holy moly feeling of conviction and victory, i am not worthy.   But then you gave the sermon on 7/11 and yet again, it was for me, but that day it was different from the rest.  It was like, ok, no more waiting, its time for action.  

I walked in and we sang "Come thou fount of every blessing" and i sang the lyrics: 

let the goodness, like a fetter, bid my wandering heart to thee.  Prone to wander, LORD, I feel it, Prone to leave the God I love, Here's my heart o' take and seal it seal it for thy courts above. 

Right at that moment I said I am sorry I have been dry, I have been resistant to You, and I prayed and gave myself to Him again and honestly it wasn't till late in the service I noticed it was communion.  How humbling!  And emotional! I said in a nervous prayer I'm ready to hear from You, and I knew it gosh, I just knew it with that nervous feeling He was going to speak. And then on the screen came the movement video and I broke down into tears.  Here is a timeline since...

-November 2009- At the OnePassion Thanksgiving dinner, Pastor James spoke from Uganda and my friend Amanda Morehead turned around while He was speaking and said " I think you should go to Uganda.  I don't want a guy to come between you and God." Back then, she knew none of my story, and how much truth and shame came from that very line she said.  I was hurt, and humbled the way I should had been at that moment. 

-Periodically Uganda would just pop into my head, I would discuss it with my mom, and she was very UNsupportive. 

-Weekend of 7/11: They play Come thou fount of every blessing song I rededicate my heart to Him repent, and rejoice that He calls His children back and was so reassuring through that song.

-same sermon: the video on missioning and then on the screen flashed 1 John 3:18, a verse so dear to my heart I remember the first time i read it on the beach in santa barbara and stopping and choosing that verse to be the first verse I memorize since being baptized. Dear brothers and sisters, let us not love with words or tongue, but in truth and action.- He spoke so clearly to me through that verse.

-same sermon: you spoke on journey to generosity, about tithing and offering but I feel God asking me to offer my body as a sacrifice and a giving of myself along with my tithing, asking me to rededicate myself and be willing to give my tie and my body.

-same sermon: you spoke on how you traveled to UGANDA. Oh man i about jumped out of my seat and fell to the floor in praise.

-same sermon: you said we have to hear from Him what He wants us to do.  It takes us to a deeper and new level and that you must surrender wholly first.  so validating because right before the sermon in that worship song I did.

-same sermon: in the closing prayer you said we want to advance the movement here and all over the world.

-after the sermon: i met matt buice who has missioned for years at a time and introduced myself.

-after the sermon: I talked to my mom and I remember months prior saying God please soften my mom's heart because I could never go without not having her trust You enough to send me and know that it was the desire You had for my me.  and it was amazing! She was totally a different person, I told her how the sermon spoke to me and she was so supportive! She said she was on board. God prepared her heart.  Now Mike, that truly is a miracle! ha.

-after the sermon same day: i started to research christian missionary orgs since R.P. isn't going to Uganda till next year.  I was able to only research one org called Empower a Child.  I looked through their website and at their youtube video and my heart melted.  Before I got a chance to look up anymore orgs, I had to go run errands with my family so I left it at that.

-Sat 7/17 For the Underground event in SB, Matt Bice was at the day trip and we talked about missions and we were randomly put on the same team for the scavenger hunt.  We talked about missions and later in teh afternoon I told him I was nervous how this was going to happen because I always imagined my first tip would be with R.P. and I told him that I did look up another org called Enrich a Child.  He corrected me saying do you mean Empower a Child?  I looked amazed saying, yes, how did you know?  He told me he knows a woman named Tara who calls Rocky Peak her home church who is involved in the planting and leadership with Empower a Child.  My jaw hit the floor and I was amazed.  He told me he could get me her info to contact her.

-that night I woke up at 4AM (which is out of character for me because I sleep like a rock and rarely wake up throughout the night) and could not sleep for over an hour thinking about Uganda and I actually envisioned sitting in an airport (its weird because it wasn't a dream) and writing in my journal that this was for me the definition of fear, it was being pulled out of my comfort zone and security and being forced to fully rely on Jesus.  It was not relying on my church or my family, but being in a place where God was all I had to get me through this. That was scary!  But kind of like a good scary? I don't know, it's hard to describe. 

-next sat night: i remember over the corse of the week thinking the time period was: one month. one month. it was always one month. I still dont know if that is, but that was initially the amount of time.  and also its wishy washy but i thought it was Sept of this year.  that was too crazy for me to raise that kind of money for me to go.  That sounds too crazy, so I might be wrong on that month. 

-last sunday: the sermon was on tithing for special projects, I began to thinking ok, this might work...? I am still just surrendering that to God.

God wants us to meet.

so rad.

tested and temporarily failed.

my faith was tested these past few days.
pride broken.
vanity surrendered.
crying in agony, faith shaken.
encouraging words lead me to
eyes focused on Christ.
blessings poured out.
praise Your name my Most High.
with a 106 fever I was left surrendering a lot of the things many people didn't 'deserve' to be stuck doing for me. thank you, you all know who you are.
as a result i was able to see selfless love.
i was given more than enough health to experience heavenly prayer with my brothers and sisters.

Jesus is certainly enough.
but He always gives me more.
His grace are these relationships.
and i love them all so much.
humbled by all of your prayers.

it's for me, and for you too mom.

This blog is another form of communication in my travel.  I am really excited, deeply humbled, and have never felt so loved like I have in the past month, by God, friends, and family.  often i have been awestruck.
my dear friend told me that God will do a lot of work on you in just the preparation for uganda.
she was right, and it is hard.  but just as my pastor said, if you don't ride through the storm, you never get to come out on the other side and see the beauty and reflect on the journey.
crazy thing is i haven't even boarded the plane.

... and so i don't want to miss out on what He has for me.
it sure is far greater than what i could plan.
so for friends and my mom, and a place to post pictures, this blog exists.

read it or not, i know i will have one follower, aw i love my ma.

and the beat goes on...

school is finished. bye ucsb.

santa barbara, for now, good-bye.

hello job and career!? not so fast He says. humbled.

impatience and mentally kicking and screaming all the way.

disobedience.

He showers grace, He calls me home, He calls me to real comfort which in this world, is a different definition.

webster's defines comfort: a state of physical ease and freedom from pain or constraint; consolation for grief or anxiety.

God calls for discomfort.

He asks us to leap in faith alone, He asks us plainly to suffer.

and all too often, we decline. too many times, i have opted for worldly comfort.

and it feels good, for short period of time if you are lucky.

and sometimes it drags on, and it becomes the norm. 

i remember praying after i was baptized in jan.10' 'please, never let me fall into that routine again.'

His grace is sufficient.

and now im going to Uganda for a month.

my definition of righteous comfort: His peace.

and so i cling to that.

i leave september 1 for a month and am ripped from my worldly comforts:

my safe and loving family.

my christian church.

my christian friends.

my morning choreographed runs.

my kitchen stocked with sugar, flour, and baking soda.

my safe rich country where i lack the concept of poverty even in the worst of debt.

my bubble i so lovingly maintain.

they become worldly when i say i love you Jesus plus.

for one month i get to say i can't rely on anyone but you Jesus.

no one will be to the rescue but Him, phew thats finally a comforting feeling.

all i can say is thank you so much, and i'm not prepared, but know You are.